This End Up

Chasing the dragon:

One thing I have asked of the Lord, this I seek, that I may dwell in the House of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon His beauty, and to visit in His sanctuary. ~ Psalm 27

Walt, in the comments below, suggests that in my "chasing the dragon" I am, in reality, chasing my tail. Having given this some thought, I disagree. I am chasing G-d.

I understand that all paths on this earth lead to G-d, whether conscious or unconscious. Yet I think that the beauty of revelation is that your life doesn't turn out in any way that you imagine when you're just treading the conventional path of hopes and dreams, a path that most people happily embrace. It's something else when you end up struck in no uncertain terms by the pull of G-d, and you know it is real and then your life, as I have written many times before, becomes no longer your own.

It isn't like you've given up your life to G-d. It's just that things happen to you, events take their course and you're basically yanked along, off the beaten path, because at some point there was a "yes" and some binding to G-d. So you end up following some mysterious Divine plan instead of the one you imagined for yourself. And all without the comfort of Abraham's G-d, who promised him so much.

The notion of "success" as we understand it goes out the window. You end up being what you were meant to be and having to live with its implications and consequences, which are considerable and quite grand. It is overwhelming and can be unsettling and intriguing at the same time. This is what the experience of awe is like. All of this, coupled with a destiny of obscurity.

So, if I'm in shul, davenning away, and suddenly and surprisingly I find myself in some other space where I've entered G-d's plane, a heightened, charged place of infinite freedom and possibility where you can really breathe, and can see myself through G-d's eyes, and what I see is that davenning is what I was meant to do, that is my sole reason for being, that is who I am, it throws one for a loop. I hadn't read that on the list of approved occupations.

What does one do with this sort of knowledge? It's not as if there is some secular blueprint for how to be uniquely what you were meant to be in the world. It's not like prayer as identity can be proffered on the world stage as something valid when we identify ourselves with our secular jobs and roles. I suppose one could say, "I meditate" "I contemplate" but that's pretty amorphous and insubstantial. I suppose one could become a rabbi or join a monastic prayer community in an attempt to legitimise one's identity to society or oneself. Other than that, there really are no other adequate descriptors. How does one tell: I was created for prayer.

Some say we were meant for praise, which indeed defines prayer beyond supplication. That's the beauty of Judaism for me, there is much room for praise. We begin in the morning with blessings. And we are expected to say at least 100 blessings a day. It takes mindfulness to a whole other level, and legitimises it within an acceptable and sane religious structure. It gives us words when we lack them. It directs us to the divine moment. All we have to do is know that this is what we seek, for to pray is to become praise. You become something else, you enter the flow, the realm of the Divine. It is a being at one with the boundless.

And it's not as if the Divine has not always been there. It just takes a change in consciousness to see what has always been here, the Garden of Eden. And if you've tasted that and seen yourself through G-d's eyes, why would you not want to chase what in essence is the ultimate reality? The mitzvot were created for just that purpose, as was prayer. They make all things right and good and true. In the midst of great suffering within and without, it is sanctuary and respite and the bliss of knowing. It keeps one focussed on what matters and gives strength to bear all things and do what is necessary. Torah addresses the ultimate reality in great detail and the psalms address the chasing.

On the downside, you may start out destitute, abandoned by parents, with no family, feeling displaced until G-d finds you**; I think it's safe to say that most people would find this too high a price to pay, but it isn't something willed. Then having tasted the good and the pleasant, you end up relentlessly and exquisitely sensitised to the venal and ugly and to evil. On their heels come an all-encompassing sorrow and hatred of evil, and an overwhelming desire, part selfish, part selfless, for everyone to see what you see. It's the promise of prophets:

The earth will be filled with the knowledge of G-d, like the waters cover the sea. ~Isaiah 11:9

What can one do, though, to make that happen? You toil in the dark soil of G-d with your chasing and deeds hoping someday the world is flooded with the knowledge of G-d. And at the end even praise ceases to be and you fade away and nothing will be left except the nameless work of your hands, the ultimate reality, here.

** Compare with The Varieties of Religious Experience